My Pride

I value my pride.  Sometimes a little too much.  It’s hard for me to admit when I am wrong and reach out to apologize to someone.  For this reason recycling has never been my thing.  I’m not talking sorting trash, no I’m talking men…dates.  Once I put a fork in it and move on, I don’t like going back.  In my mind, there was enough to make me  want to leave, so why go back?  Except, when you realize the reasons you gave are less than authentic and more a way to cover for reasons you would prefer to ignore.  Swallowing my pride means I have to be vulnerable which sucks.  But to up the ante, I have to be vulnerable to someone I wasn’t honest with in the first place…which means they have every right to tell me to kiss their ass.

The last couple of months, I randomly would find myself thinking about a guy I dated in the spring.  For over a month, things would happen or be said, and I would find myself thinking “oh, he would like that” or “he would get such a kick out of this”.  I fought tooth and nail against it all.  He probably hated me, I mean, it was out of left field that I broke up with him.  He had no clue it was coming.  Why on earth should I reach out to someone that probably hates my guts?  So I said a little prayer for guidance and asked for a sign…which honestly I have always said, I need neon, blinking signs.  I need it to be beyond obvious. Less than a week later, I get an email from a co-worker that contained a saying that JM had introduced me to and I felt completely torn.  It isn’t a common saying, so I felt like it was my sign…but then I had to put my pride to the side and be vulnerable.  I mean, when you pray to God for a sign and you get a meme that includes Jesus…it is hard to pretend that isn’t a sign.

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I texted him the picture and we texted back and forth for a few hours catching up on life.  It made me realize that he wasn’t going to make me eat crow.  We both agreed we should do something – I was leaving town for a trip and then a family thing, then he ended up sick…so we had a bit of a delay.  I offered to make dinner after he was well and he accepted.  I poured us some wine and we sat opposite of each other in my living room.  Talking about family, friends, football, and politics.  After we finished up the bottle, he suggested we go to Perry’s for a bourbon cocktail (which we both love some bourbon).  We sat at the bar for just over an hour nerding out a little about Superman v Batman and Star Wars.  At the end of the talk is when he pulled out the clincher…a Lonesome Dove reunion happening in the spring  in Fort Worth.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thrilled by the concept of seeing Gus and Woodrow together.  He said he had been holding onto that one because he felt like I was the only person that he knew who would enjoy it as much him.

By the end of the night, we had settled in on the couch, laughing and talking like we had missed no time at all. It was comfortable and easy.  I don’t know what life has in store for us.  I don’t think after a day together we can say we are together or not, but I can say that I’m not terrified of the concept.  He seems to understand me and calls me out on my shit.  Last night he made a comment about how it made him laugh to see me being vulnerable and watching me squirm.  I’m not perfect and could use a man that will not only call me out on my flaws but accepts them and laughs them off with me.

When he left he offered to check in with me tomorrow to make sure I am surviving (went to the doctor and I have strep).  Beyond that, he  has come up with something we can do on Saturday together and he invited me to go to his church with him on Sunday (which is a church I’ve been wanting to try for a while).  So long story short, even if this doesn’t work at the end of the day, I am glad I pushed my pride to the side and am giving this thing another shot (and that he is letting me).

BitofEverything

2 comments on “My Pride

  1. Yay, that’s a good thing! Pushing your pride to let something good back into your life. But to me, the question is when do you know it’s worth pushing your pride aside? I know you asked for a sign and I would too but that to me, the knowing when is the hardest part. I think our Pride is a natural defensive instinct. Hope to see you again at #abitofeverything

    • I totally agree! It is almost impossible for me to figure out the when to anything in my life. A giant, blinking, neon sign is about the only way I ever know and even then I miss it half the time. We’ll see how this decision ends up down the road.

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